i eat filet mignon seven times a day, my bathtub's filled with perrier....

i wanted to be a millionaire today. but apparently the scantron machine was particularly angry with me, as it chose to squash my dreams with no more thought than it gives to the miserable tests of my intro students. to catch everyone up, i tried out for who wants to be a millionaire and didn't even pass the written exam portion. and it was about movies, no less! who am i? what have i been doing my entire life? what am i if i can't answer thirty multiple choice questions about movies?

i'd say that at least i can fall back on my exceptional athletic prowess, but last night i rediscovered that i am the worst softball player in the history of the world. (i already knew that i am the worst basketball player of that same timeframe.) i went to watch a friend play and ended up getting called off the bleachers, as one of their players did not show. i actually caught the one fly hit my way. and then, in the final inning...2 out...2 on...i step to the plate...and hit a liner to third...to end the game. that's not how it's supposed to happen.